A Plea to the School Board

Dear School Board,

I must warn you, by simply reading this post, you are subjecting yourself to a possible contraction of my disease. But, no! Don’t stop reading! That is why I am writing to you, I must warn the public of the endangering and very real malady that has manifested inside of me. I shall refer to it as “Tuberculonctitus-Ameniatic-ulomy”, as there is not yet a name for this deadly virus.

Sure, doctors claim that I reside in a body of health, but they are mislead by charts and tests and false-information. Sure, my family believes I am feigning my symptoms, but they are merely in denial (which is understandable, due to the looming possibility of my death). But I swear, by my life (that shall soon be no more, because of this cursed virus), that I am telling the truth.

Let me relate to you my symptoms: Cold sweats, sore calves, dry mouth, raspy throat, runny nose, smelly feet, a double ear infection, spells of dizziness, home-work induced nausea, fingernail fungi, a rapid beating of the heart, brittle hair, a large appetite for cheetos, a pinkish-purple rash on my hip (which is not a bruise from soccer), and itchy eyes. I also seem to have contracted a rare form of chemistry-exam allergy.

I pity the poor soul who is subjected to this torturous disease. I would not wish this sorrow upon my worst enemy! As an exemplary student, I can attest to how this affects my learning abilities. I can not focus, my vision blurs when attempting to concentrate, and my mind is in a permanent fog. As you can see, even if  you did send me to school, it would be in vain for I would derive nothing from the usually stimulating curriculum.

If any other students contracted this illness, I would never forgive myself! Their grades would most likely suffer, not to mention their happiness and well being! I can’t even begin to imagine the catastrophic effect this virus would have on our school if a TEACHER caught it. Our brilliant learning facility would fall into ruin! Educators would be unable to teach, resulting in the undereducation of the students. The wrath of Tuberculonctitus-Ameniatic-ulomy would no doubt prove apocaliptic.

In your best interest, I urge you to let me remain at my home today, and not attend school. I will surely infect other students who wish to learn (not that I don’t wish to learn...), which would be absolutely devastating. Please, disregard the physicians, educators and familial members who try to convince you to force me to attend school. They do not understand the magnitude of this illness. I do not wish to be a hazard to my peers health, I want to preserve West’s student’s health!

Please, dear, healthy School Board, allow me to stay at home today. I would like to recover quickly from this malady, or if fate decides, die in the peace of my own home.

Most illy yours,

BluE umbreLLA chick